Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
