My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
