last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Randomize
