this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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