All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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