And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
