wrigley field is MILF paradise
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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