i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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