Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
