What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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