i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm both gender and math confused
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
