when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
