Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
