it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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