i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Piatas plus fireworks don't mix well
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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