If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
