Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
