happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
