we have officially lost it.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
