part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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