i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
