He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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