he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
