if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
