WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
