So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
