The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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