I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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