I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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