I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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