He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
