I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
