I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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