My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
