I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
