I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
