i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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