The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
