Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
