i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
