I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
