my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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