He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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