the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
