Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my sisters under your porch take her home
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
