I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
