I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
