dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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