jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I think I won the penis lottery.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
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