I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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