My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
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