I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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