you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
