Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
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i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
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The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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