I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
