I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
