fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
