I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
