i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
