I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
