his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
