I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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