***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
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I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
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So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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